I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
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