He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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