Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
