highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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