Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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