just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
