all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
