I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize