i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
