I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
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