My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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