U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
my liver is dry heaving
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
