I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
