It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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