Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
