Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
