I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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