Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
