I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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