Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
