my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
