haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
This baby is an asshole
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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