Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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