My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
