Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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