i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
