I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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