god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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