the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Randomize
