So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
