I got chris browned last night
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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