my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
