Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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