Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Two words: blizzard sex
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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