and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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