Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize