Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
