So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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