I'm sorry my penis didn't work
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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