I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
