Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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