those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
