I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
