Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
