i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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