Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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