haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think I won the penis lottery.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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