dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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