genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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