It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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