i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
