There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize