Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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