And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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