i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
