Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
