No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
