I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
We need a shit load of segways right now
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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