On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
