god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
honey bunches of taint.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Randomize
