I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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