Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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