I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
