never play flip cup with pint glasses
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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