I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
