i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
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