I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
