And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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