no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
