Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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