In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
